homelessness is my only home ... to not belong is belonging itself .....

i avoid 'details' in any relationship.. i refuse to entertain intimacy...i wonder why?? is it you that i'm running away from? or am i getting even closer?? and what's the point when its your absence that defines your presence in all that i refuse to feel...

remembrance is a strange conundrum, a feeling that lives and dies simultaneously in perpetual continuity.. its evokes the past and yet recreates itself in the present, turns alive and in the process of actualization dies in futility... remembrance thus transcends time and space..it makes the dead live and yet this life realizing it'self' ceases to live.

a riposte

‘Eschewing the rules (of nature) may well open the floodgates of a wider churning’ states Swapan Dasgupta in his article ‘Inclusive desire’ published in The Telegraph (10.07.09), which is at best a polite and implicit disapproval of the Delhi High Court legislation that has decriminalized consensual homosexual sex, and at worst, an eloquent camouflaging of an author’s own prejudice. The aforementioned statement strikes one as a warning, wrought with a sense of premonition ensuing from the fear that breaking the rules of nature is against nature itself. Without making any tall claims on my erudition I wonder when and how nature spoke to man enlisting a set of rules which he must surrender himself to. Nature does not have a voice that is prejudiced; it revels in the free and the erratic. However, a discriminating voice is lent to it by culture. Rules are cultural products which are naturalized historically over time. The rules of nature are simply the rules of man (not humans, for that would include women) and man alone. It is interesting to note how something becomes an ‘aberration’ or ‘abnormal’- an essentially selective process which more often that not follows a simplistic logic of numbers. The majority, in everything it does and is, has the power to define what is ‘normal’ and clinically separate it from the ‘aberrant’ and this separation must be religiously maintained. The pun on religion is intentional for man (not humans, for that would include women) has forged this unbreakable link between ‘divinity’ and ‘nature’ so much so that the ‘abnormal’ is brutally suppressed by evoking the words of ‘god’ and ‘nature’ at the same time. But of course, I must be deaf since I am yet to hear their voices. ‘God’ and ‘Nature’ speak through the steadfast voices of those who are perpetually concerned with upholding the morality of civil society. I am no one to deter them in their noble cause, except that these steadfast voices have been strangely consistent over time: the voice of the whites against the blacks, the church against the witch, the Germans against the Jews, the wise against the youthful, the man against the woman and now the heterosexual against the homosexual or can it be simply summed up as the majority against the minority? Let me add another element here and stir well- the element of power that allows one to define what is ‘normal’ or ‘abnormal’ and then effectively link it to the ‘word of god’ and the ‘rules of nature’. Hitherto in all existing societies nature has remained silent on all counts. Man has structured these distinctions and he continues to do so (mind you again, not humans for that would include women and even gay men).

Homosexuality poses not so much a threat to individuals who can catch the virus once law releases it but to the institutions that have so lovingly served the interest of the powerful men, the men of God, and the ‘natural’ men (do I need to remind you again?). Homosexuality threatens to upturn the institution of marriage and family and the problem is not that such holy and sanctified institutions would degenerate and collapse but that such a collapse would emancipate what Man has sought to control throughout human history-Woman. The link between homosexuality and the feminine is both explicit and implicit. Isn’t a homosexual man not a ‘real’ man? Aren’t homosexual women problematically unfeminine? Homosexuality is problematic precisely because it upsets the well maintained dichotomy between the masculine and feminine. In a masterstroke, Men in order to ensure they remain the ever powerful and dominant have ensured that the feminine remains marginalized whether in the form of a woman or a homosexual (of either sex) and in doing so they have propounded the discourse on ‘nature’ and ‘god’. Blame it on our terrible memories, that when we speak about the rules of nature, we forget that these powerful men usurped it long ago, classified it, typified it, violated it and subjugated it to ‘culture’- a preserve of man ( well, can’t help reminding you, not humans for that would include women and homosexuals).

It is heartening that homosexuality in India might be decriminalized; however one is sceptical of this faith bestowed on law to bring social change. Homosexuals existed before the law came into being and will creatively do so even if the law is not scrapped. Let this not be a time to beg for a space that the condescending heterosexual Man has denied to homosexuality but let this be a time to celebrate those hidden spaces and render them open; spaces which could not and must not be suppressed by the fate of law for no law however powerful can stall the throbbing force of life and the desire to live!!!

ah that terrible silence of the heart when it realizes that life has moved on and the gulf between us and those memories have widened.... all my journeying takes place in a void.... every joy is tinged with that bitter sweet sorrow that perhaps what mattered most was trampled by the superfluity of time......as i'm pushed ahead by the tide of life, all i crave is a return to innocence, to you love.

true.. i have learnt to accept that nothing in this world is permanent/indispensilbe..a realization at once cruelly suffocating and at the same time wonderfully liberating .lets hope i can practice a conscious forgetfulness of life experiences ... lets hope that life doesn't keep reminding me of this aphorism..lets hope i fall in love hopelessly again and harbour illusions of permanence till my last mortal breath...

sonal and i ....

the editing and publisihng course was a good thing ....3 months well spent .....became a part and parcel of the journey of life ....made new freinds ....strengthened old ties .....

i see

Down that busy lane,
Empty now, I saw you
I saw your tears
black rivers meandering
Down your sunken glossy cheeks
I saw your walk aware of its queerness
the restlessness in you to escape your own tragedy
you wanted to run and yet your thin legs felt pallid
you pushed aside the hair flirting with your brow
the world has been unkind to you
you wore bright garish electric blue shirt and skimpy jeans
your own body has betrayed who you are
I saw that the others gave you those grotesque looks
a sneer here, a disgusted exasperation there
my companion saw you and turned away
you became a non sight
you became a shadow
you disappeared in the darkness
That you have known for as long as you have known yourself
I saw you- a man
And then again I saw you -a woman
And I kept seeing
In Those eyes
Dark and lined
the eloquence of pain
the rippling of losses
the death of desire
the betrayal of hope
In those eyes
I saw myself.

by
Zaid Al Baset

HOMELESS

Sometimes it rains ceaselessly
And droplets race down my body
Like some slippery moments
I spent with you on long wet nights.
Sometimes the sun scorches my body
And I miss the silhouette of your body
Against the warm rays of the sun
While I lay in bed feeling blissful
Screened from the rest of the world
Finding a sanctuary in the shadow of your eyelashes
The incandescence of your form
Mellowed the cruelty of the sun
And I’d come alive under the shade of your presence
Sometimes it gets really cold out here
I hold my body tight
And clasp my knees with my arms
And rub my forehead against the inner arc of my elbows
Yet I shiver and shake
And when I search for your reassuring eyes
I find myself squinting in the dark
I miss the blanket of your body
The fire of your touch
I miss burning in your caresses
I yearn for the fever of pleasure
My frozen body wants to melt into yours
Sometimes the streets get breathlessly crowded
And strangers brush past me like I don’t exist
They stare blankly as though I’m just another thing
Some stares longer than the other,
Suddenly becoming aware that there must have been beauty
Residing in me somewhere
I miss being held by your piercing gaze
I remember holding your hands
I remember walking with pride
Knowing in this over brimmed cup of life
You were mine
Secure that I belonged
I had a home.
And I had believed its walls won’t give away.

A home is all I had ever wanted
To be myself with you.
To let the masks slip
To be vulnerable
To give in
To let go
To merge
To disappear
To be free
To be found
To love
To be loved.
My home
Your body,
Your mind,
Your heart
Your soul
My only home.

Then came the tempests
Then shook the earth
The walls couldn’t contain you
Your illicit needs made cracks on the walls
Your indifference took up the entire place.
Yet I endured
My home
Was all I had?
Till it was no more

I’m homeless
A waif
Available now
Vacant
Should I advertise?
They touch me
They promise me shelter
They grope me
They say it’ll last
Just that I don’t live here anymore
Who is it inside me I wonder?
There isn’t me inside of me
Sometimes I miss my home.
Sometimes I really do.
BY
ZAID AL BASET

.........................

Do not make promises that will disappoint,
Don’t make me search for eternity in your sparkling eyes

Just let this moment be
Let no past taint its sheen
Let no future mar its gleam,
Just take a snapshot of this moment in your mind
Cause sooner than you think ill be out of your sight
Cause sooner than you wish ill be out of your mind.

I have rummaged for love in this cluttered world,
I have gathered bits and morsels of love,
But let me not forget that love cannot hold me tight
For I’m not what, with which is love defined
No you can’t marry and take me home,
No you can’t hold my hand and feel bold

Don’t tell me you want this to last forever
Don’t be so sure that you will never go away.

I have heard these words so many times before.
I have seen such eyes admire me before
But trust me there a thin line between poetry and abuse
Please believe when I say you won’t stay forever seduced

I’m a magician and I can cast spells
But let me tell you a secret - these illusions will betray
And then you shall run, run for your precious life
And you shall make every moment a beautiful lie

Don’t insist you can love no one but me
Don’t say you are attracted to just me

Love, that fleeting, ephemeral high
Lust, that desperate unbearable sigh
So you felt both with me in your arms
Yet your eyes were closed,
Your senses were numbed with pleasure
You did not realize what I was, did you?
Not a man that in daylight you could abhor
Not a woman who you’d desire in some wet dream
I was just an essence
A promise of love
A soul searching for some permanence
In this temporary world
You neither lusted nor did you love

Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you the dream would break,
Don’t tell you didn’t know that you will wake up and leave.

For I was simply an essence
A promise of love
A soul searching for permanence
In this temporary world.

by
Zaid AL Baset

when words can't express the paroxysms of my heart, the eyes say it all..and the silence in them speaks for itself, yet you look not, you turn your eyes away.....

confessions of a broken hearted mind part 2; the night.

18: 20: I wish I could bang the phone really hard and throw it away. Alas it’s a mobile phone. I want to squeeze the life out of it. Can’t do that either. Words, your words are creating a pandemonium in my mind, like a thousand bees buzzing inside my head. I can’t whisk them away. (Your words whip the heart)

18:25: Yes. Tying your shoelaces is more important, and that’s just one among the zillion other things that are more important than me. Yes I have incarcerated you, imprisoned you, yes, I must have been a disease which sequestered you from the exhilarating and seductive world. Yes, I’m the shadow that you have been trying to run away from but couldn’t out of mortal fear!!!! Yes I’m must be a monster eating you away. (Strangely though I could never make you stay)

18:45: Sigh! Lying in bed silently, doing nothing. Feeling a little numb, are these things really happening to me? I feel detached, its like a nightmare, where terrible things are happening to me, Im falling, tumbling, breaking, drowning, exploding, arrows are hitting me, knives are cutting me, rocks are bruising me, fire is burning me and yet im placidly asleep. That’s how I feel now. It’s a nightmare all rite, but then again I have the assurance that I would wake up and things would be like they always were. Wouldn’t they? (Things would never be the same again. Never ever, ever!!!)

18:46: I stare at the clock blankly, the minute hand doesn’t work, time seems to have stopped, I stare at it harder, hoping time would move on, hoping that this too shall pass. If only the minute hand showed some sign of movement, it won’t budge. (Three years of living a lie, such a waste)


18; 01; my aquarium looks filthy with overgrown fishes, they stare at me, beseeching me for food, they are perennially hungry it seems, like the hunger of the entire African continent has united inside their bellies. I go n drop some dry pellets which they gobble up with much enthusiasm, they depend on me for food, and I resolve to alleviate their hunger, how American eh? See I could try American, you kept saying we are great losers, that Americans break up on a fast track, like breaking a kit kat I guess….but I can’t, I have a mawkish Indian heart.( I’m sure Americans cry too for love, all humans do,u don’t!! get the point?)

19; 02: spick and span, prim and polished, now your highness has deigned to give me a missed call, such royalty makes me cringe, like the sight of an artistic mix of garbage in front of the slums adjacent to my house, perfect in its repugnance.

19: 10; I call, all I hear is a cacophony of horns and voices and the wind howling like it has nothing better to do, like an eternal bully, howling like its laughing at my misery. Then u tell me all I know, then you confess with a voice so rueful that I could imagine you sitting in a confessional of a beautiful church in the French countryside, such a dulcet voice, and such harsh words. I know you don’t love me anymore, u never really did, I know you aren’t attracted to me anymore, were you ever? We just groped each other for some time and it was fun, but then you realized you were caressing all the wrong things, oops! Wrong number. You never really made love to me; you just sought carnal pleasure (unwittingly I was making love to you)

19; 30: I take out my tarot cards, shuffle them and lay them in a fan spread, like a violet Chinese fan, I choose a card, it’s the reversed knight of cups, which means love is going away, and there is an impending heartbreak. True, so what’s next I ask my cards, and I pick up the devil, of all cards the devil, which means discontentment and depression and all things dark, it also means shackled existence, I’m fettered by my feelings for you, true again, what’s the ultimate outcome? I reshuffle the cards, I choose one, it’s the fool, the first card of the major arcane, symbolizing the air, the freedom of new beginnings, the spirit of hope, strange the fool is the first stage of realization, yup I feel like a fool, a fool of the highest most profound order. (You fooled me with false promises and fake reassurances)

20;00 SILENCE

20;30: well couldn’t help it, tears roll down my cheeks, tried not to but just couldn’t stop myself, I want to heal, I don’t want to hurt, not for a worthless liar, but the truth is I loved, I loved with all my heart, my soul and my body, I loved every moment, I loved every inch of you, I loved like there was no tomorrow, I loved like it would last forever, I loved like ill never love again, I loved like you are my breath, I loved like id never let go, I loved like ill be you, I loved like crazy, I loved you like my life, I loved you like my most precious, I loved you for all that you are, I loved you for all that you couldn’t be, I loved you. I really did love (and I lost)

20;45 kept crying, popped a sleeping pill, want to die, no! no not for a moron like you, but I just don’t want this life, u give it your best and it gives you a kick in the butt!!! I don’t want myself someone who could love so much and is still shamelessly in love….. (Fuckity fuck, I love you)

20;46; feeling inadequate, like I lack something, I’m a little scared how would I walk down the streets seeing the things you desire and covet and realizing I don’t have them( but they’ll never have what I could offer just that you didn’t need it)

21;00 I go to the mirror to look at myself, it’s a habit really, took a hard long look at my face, tiny rivulets of tears on my cheeks, such expressive eyes, so ancient, such pain, such beauty, what the hell? with a face like that, who needs you honey!!!!!!!!!

by zaid al baset

The Sociobiology of BITCH

The word ‘bitch’ has had a long history to traverse, and on its way across cultures and epochs has taken new meanings, discarded old ones, turned over a new leaf, has been embraced by some, derided by others, some have shied away from using it while others have used it as their takiya kalam, it has instilled a sense of pride in some and some have been shamed by the very label. Bitch is undoubtedly one of the most versatile words in the English dictionary for it exhibits reptilian tendencies of changing its meaning and usage with varying contexts, the word dangerously oscillates between the derogatory and the complimentary and consequently humble recipients of this word are never too sure of how to deal with it.
I use the word regularly being unabashedly fond of it. Infact so enamored I am by this word that I have seldom shirked to advertise myself as one, and have used the label lovingly for my near and dear ones. (Except my parents of course, lines have to be drawn somewhere isn’t it?) bitch for me means everything in general and nothing in particular, if you would ask me to define a bitch, id be rather tautological and contend that a bitch is a bitch is a bitch !!!! But then again what is a bitch and why do I use the word when I love something that someone has done, when it’s nasty and exciting, or when I hate something and its equally nasty and exciting? Why do I use the word to denote a person, an act or simply as a full throated exclamation BITCH!!!! A loud thump of a noise is created from my mouth with my tiny eyes bulging out of its socket and I feel like it’s a job well done, I breathe easy and I feel lighter as if the pressure of the word against my chest has been eased, like I have excreted what refused to metabolize inside me and was desperate to come out and declare itself. Yes bitch is such a word, a word that’s powerful and finds itself being uttered in the most inappropriate situations without any precision of meaning. We all use it, most of us don’t know why we use it and are rather vague about what it means, and to put it philosophically it bridges important gaps between thought and speech.

What made me think so profoundly about this commonplace word??? Well let me narrate an incident that transpired in our beloved orkut, a rather favorite friend of mine, who got married recently and was honeymooning with her spouse had chosen to forget my existence on earth( mind you the debate that prancing around in the arms of a lover in the Swiss alps is heaven achieved doesn’t console me much). Much to my dismay she refused to answer my scraps for sometime which resulted in a large fonted entry in her scrapbook with the ever elusive word BITCH!!!! To which she still didn’t bother to respond, such is the power of newfound love and sex. To add to my woes her hubby saw the scrap, didn’t take it kindly and it culminated into their first fight, wherein the hubby insisted that no friend of hers had the RIGHT to call her wife a bitch, particularly someone who goes by the name witch in orkut!!!!( and is a man). Guess it pricked him at all the wrong places and I was asked to abstain from addressing my beloved friend in the same loving manner again. At a loss of my favorite word bitch I felt grossly inadequate; it took me less than a nanosecond to label the hubby himself a bitch!!!!

The word literally means a she dog. On googling the word I came upon an interesting site which provides clear cut distinctions between the male and female dogs. Male dogs are affectionate, exuberant, food motivated, attentive and aggressive. Cut to the human scene, men are affectionate too (of others wives), exuberant (in displaying their powers and prowess) food motivated (yes food for the stomach n libido!) attentive (to work and female anatomy no doubt) and aggressive (hyperactive balls!). Analogies like this fit well, and are ignored or taken for granted. The problem arises when we consider the bitch. Bitches are independent, stubborn, and territorial, reserved and have mood swings. Clearly in a patriarchal system such qualities have to be suppressed, rendered unnatural for being a woman entails being submissive, pliable, allowing men to treat them as their property, caring and displaying melodramatic emotions, (name it and they feel it). Thus a woman cannot and should not be a bitch. Lo behold if she ends up being one its bad news!!! No wonder the word bitch has been generously used alongside words like ‘slut’ ‘whore’ ‘easy lay’. Society commended that the women bitches had to be condemned. Not surprisingly today’s bitches were yesteryear’s witches and they met with terrible fates, burnt for being perverse for trying to create a place for themselves other than their man’s sacrosanct feet.

Clearly then when it came to the question of finding a voice and an identity in this unequal world, women especially the bra burning, chest thumping brigade decided to elevate the status of the bitch, they embraced the identity, they reveled in it, they united through it. Finally bitching and gossiping received it due status in the scheme of affairs. Obviously there are the puritans who still regard a bitch- woman as a bitch-dog and that is understood as not a very nice thing to aspire for.

Palpably bitch and bitching were emerging as female hegemonic traits challenging the hegemonic masculinity and its consort, the emphasized femininity. Obviously men had to save their balls, had to penetrate (the desire doesn’t expire till death) and encroach by subverting the power that was being associated with the feminist acceptance of the word bitch. What did they do? They gave birth to the male bitch, gay, effete and rather low in the masculine hierarchy, it all began in prisons, where prison bitch were men who were passive recipients (polite way of saying they were sodomised) of the desire of the more powerful or senior inmates, men are horny by nature, if they don’t get women, men of certain kinds would suffice, so carpe diem it was. So men didn’t even allow a women to be a bitch peacefully, such tyrannical usurpers of identity were never born. Even this did not satiate them so then emerged the trend of male gossip reputed to be as pernicious as its female counterpart and clearly the word bitch lost its sexual exclusivity, and since then the word has taken a plethora of meanings and can be used for everything and anything under the sun. so now there are male bitches , female bitches, sexy bitches, gay bitches, lovable bitches, sweet bitches, bitchy bitches, bitch bitches ( I mean the she dog) infact even life has become a bitch !!!! It’s fascinating, the uniqueness and adaptability this word is capable of, I won’t be surprised if a new bitch cult emerged worshipping the word bitch.

Well I think I have bitched enough, wagged my tail enough its time I bitch off!!!!
But before I do that id love to raise a toast or let’s just say a tail to all the self confessed bitches of the world. Stay a bitch and keep bitching!!!!!!
BY
ZAID AL BASET
© 2008 by Zaid

godless'ness'

I saw a cross among a crowd of buildings while driving on a flyover, atop a church which was not visible. It had red lighting along it edges which made it stand out against the black and white background, the blackness of the night sky and the dull white of tall buildings. Cars move fast on a flyover since there are no speed breakers, no traffic so obviously the cross vanished from my sight as soon as it had appeared, yet I had a desire to stare at it hard and long. It was a fleeting but fetching sight, as exhilarating as spotting a shooting star. And just like a shooting star is lost before we can close our eyes and wish for our deepest desires to come true, this bleeding cross passed me in a flash. I’m not a Christian and neither a religious soul at least not in the way people define being religious. Yet the sight of the red shining cross overwhelmed by huge buildings made me wonder if in our city god feels a little claustrophobic. The city life, the busy life, the hard life has profaned god; god is now just another building among a plethora of others albeit of a different shape and size as though we have shown some grace and kindness to him by placing him in a different looking building. A building with a dome houses Allah, a building with a cross is the abode of Jesus, and a building with ornate carvings is where the Indian idols (not the singing variety) reside. It’s easy to recognize each of these buildings and their respective gods but it is easier to ignore them in a city like ours. How many times have we crossed these buildings and spat on the pavement in front of these sacrosanct structures? the adventurous few have also relieved their bladders on the walls surrounding these buildings. They do not have anything against god per se; there isn’t any real malice in their hearts, just that public toilets are a huge paucity in our city and like all other things we men have little patience and perseverance when it comes to controlling the pressure. At least gods have some space left to themselves, we humans are overflowing everywhere like flooded drains, and I think we are invading god’s space in more ways than one.


A bizarre question comes to my mind; many would think it rather perverse, what is more important for the bustling cityscape more toilets or more space for god? I think I’d avoid answering the question lest the VHP, the Fatwa Committee n all other religious organizations label me a blaspheme for equating toilets to religious spaces and pose serious threats to my existence on the planet. All I’m saying is that both toilets and gods are a necessity for most of us and both are having an existential crisis in our city’s public space.

God made us we are made to believe, god made earth our home then why on earth are we limiting god’s spaces, these days all we get in the name of houses are concrete boxes, with very little space for our own existence, so god’s space in our homes have reduced too, mostly its gone. Though strangely enough we have nicer toilets, with new state of art equipments like jet sprays! Clearly we are not giving god his due space. We are the meanest children that ever could be.

But then again the battle for space is not simply physical; I think what has transformed more dramatically that the cityscape is our mindscapes. We haven’t forgotten god, god forbid us if we do. We are still very religious, when we are very tired we do say “oh god”, when the exam paper is difficult we do say ‘shit god’ when we see that snobbish hot babe in skimpy clothes walking ahead of us we whisper ‘oh my god’, when we see couples showing public display of affection we exclaim ‘hey ram’ when we can’t bear those aches we shout ‘ya Allah’ when we have forgetten something that we should have remembered we cant help but sigh ‘jesus!’ of course we pray to god morning , day and night, reminding him off all the things he hasn’t given us like good marks, nice salary, hot partner, the latest mobile phone, the split A/C, the flat with a verandah and before I forget the angrezi style toilet, we remind him that we love him and because we love him he must love us back and the only way he can convince us of his love is by giving us, through some ingenious twist of fate what we don’t have. We also need god to blame him for all the things we haven’t been able to accomplish. Its difficult enough to accept failures in a city where we are judged all the time, to take the blame for the same is just beyond human capabilities, so there always a god in hand to dump our failures upon, truly a god in times of such pressing needs is a god indeed. But of course we are religious people; we are as religious as we can conveniently be.

In a city like ours, its not god who has created us, it is we who have created god, a god we can conveniently pray to, love, ignore, hate, argue with, philosophize about, riot over and most importantly dominate. We provide him space if we chose to; we kick him out if there’s no room for him, we follow him only through our selfish motives, we take him for granted like spoilt children. In a city like ours god has ceased to reside in our edacious hearts. He is a figment of our stressed out minds, a cheap and effective balm to the headaches that the city life gives us. In a city like ours there is no real god, it is we who have perfected the art of playing with gods and deceptively letting god assume that its him who calls the shots, truly the only space god can claim today is a fool’s paradise.

by
zaid al baset
© 2008 by Zaid

the abyss of love

Tumbling down faster than the waterfall
And crashing against the obstinacy of my feelings
Breaking into tiny droplets of hope
Against the hardness of your indifference
My bruised soul begs for freedom
Freedom from the pangs of you
Yet there is no satiety in the horizon.
Hunger fulfilled is only hunger renewed

Has falling water ever stood to rest?
Have the hard rocks softened a little?
Another cruel law of love I guess
What falls keeps falling
Faster and faster
Into the abyss of love.

There are no oases to rejuvenate
There are no lifts to rise again
There is no light
But for the burning within the soul
There are no platforms for temporary breaks

Once the heart skips a beat
Once the heart slips a bit
The soul is left with no choice
Its falls forever
Into the abyss of love.

by
zaid al baset
© 2008 by Zaid